Confessions

Preface:
I haven't blogged here for quite some time, but I'd thought I'd start again. I have blogged a bit on myspace over the last year and thought I'd post one I did about a year ago on there since it is in the spirit of Lent.

Confession
Confession has been on my mind lately. Of course, it is Lent so I guess it is appropriate for it to be on my mind, but I seem to be reminded of it in all kinds of little ways. We had a meeting at church last Sunday of all the people who are involved in the worship service to try to reorganize the service. We were given a basic frame for the service for each week and part of that frame was a time for corporate confession. This is not something we have done as part of the weekly service so we spent a lot of time focusing on this part to determine how we should do this. My church is a non-denominational church, but we have mostly a Mennonite/Amish heritage. Almost everyone in the church is either ex-Amish, descended from ex-Amish or a spouse to one of the above. What's interesting is the diversity of backgrounds of the spouses. I grew up going to an Independent Fundamental Baptist church (I consider myself a "recovering fundie," but that's for another blog.), but I have Seventh Day Adventist and Episcopalian in my background as well. My pastor's wife grew up Lutheran. She shared a confession used in the Lutheran church. We also looked up some confessional prayers in prayer books that my pastor had.
On Monday, with this fresh in my mind, I opened Jack's Latin book to the new lesson and what was the practical Latin phrase for the week? Mea culpa-my fault. The origin for this saying is the Confiteor or confession portion of the Latin mass. The whole phrase is "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa"-through my own fault, through my own fault, through my own most grievous fault. The worshippers were to strike their chest with each mea culpa.
On a less classical note, I saw a sign in front of a church today-"If you mess up, 'fess up."
So there it is, confession is on my mind and in front of my eyes wherever I look these days. I saw the movie Amazing Grace, and it was very good. One line stood out for me. John Newton, the former slave trader and author of the hymn Amazing Grace is talking to his protege, William Wilberforce. He says, "I am sure of two things, I am a great sinner..."
People don't like to admit that they are great sinners. True, I haven't trafficked 20,000 men and women like Newton did, but I am a great sinner nonetheless. It is human nature to justify sin-Adam and Eve started passing the buck in the garden, but we seem to have taken it even farther in our times. We have the non-apology apology-"mistakes were made." We have the cult of self-esteem. It will hurt our psyche if we are horrified by our own sin as Newton was by his. One of the things that struck me in reading some on the history of Newton's hymn recently is how many people called the phrase, " a wretch like me" a hyperbole. It is not a hyperbole-compared to God we are all wretches. We need to see ourselves as God sees us and compare ourselves to a Holy God instead of to our neighbor.
For most of my life, I have been a "good girl." To some, my only fault would be that I am boring. I was not a perfect teenager, but most parents would have called me a good kid. I didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I got decent grades in school. During my late teens and early twenties, while a lot of my contemporaries were bar hopping and bed hopping, I was not. As a matter of fact, I only have one serious regret from that time period. As an adult, I've done it right. I've been married and faithful to one man for almost 18 years, am active in my church etc. I don't say this to brag, but to make a point. Most people who would look at my life would say I'm a pretty good person, better than most even. They would be wrong.
I have a dark heart. I am as horrified by my own sin as John Newton was by his. One of my sins is my own self righteousness. I sit here with my upright orderly life and look down on those who don't have my orderly upright life with such disdain. "Why do they make such messes of their lives?" I wonder when I should be saying,"There, but for the grace of God, go I." I am way too proud. A few weeks ago I almost ruined an outing with my family because I was too proud to stop and ask directions. I know that is usually a male stereotype, but I have difficulty asking for any type of help due to my pride. Our church elects people for their offices/jobs on an annual basis. My pride is so awful that inevitably when I am not elected to an office, my first thought is that the other person can not possibly do the job as well as I can. This is horrible. I am not the only capable person, but my pride is so great that I delude myself into thinking that I am.
I am also impatient with people. I am a Martha by name and by nature. I sometimes think my parents had the gift of prophecy when they named me. I am a doer and expect others to be doers, too. I am right there with Martha, complaining to God and anyone who will listen-why can't those people keep up? Why don't they just do as I tell them? I also have a sharp tongue, and I've been known to use it particularly when I am impatient. I have hurt people with my sharp tongue.
These are NOT the worst of my sins. The rest are too awful to put into print for the general public. So here I am horrified by my sins. What now? Just sit here and be horrified and know that I can never ever be as holy as God?
Back to the Newton quote: "I know two things. I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." We do have a great Savior, One who died a horrible death for all our sins. If we believe this and trust in Him as our Savior, we can have forgiveness. This is that Amazing Grace and to this sinner, its sound is very sweet.